nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
zippers are such a cool invention
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
