wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
