We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
