Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
