I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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