Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
