jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I just gargled with NyQuil
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
