the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
