Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
