____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
