I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
