I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
