Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
