Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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