before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
