I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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