Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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