and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize