just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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