I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
My vagina just recognized that song.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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