You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize