Kiss
Puke
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize