Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
