Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize