My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize