Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
