omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
