Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Randomize
