grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
