upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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