i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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