There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
