I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
