He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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