I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
