I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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