Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Randomize