my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
