Don't make out with my wife yet
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
