my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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