I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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