bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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