Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
