i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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