I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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