Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I could fuck to npr.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Randomize
