My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
