you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
