worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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