It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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