i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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