Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
