Swine flu. Run for my life!
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize