i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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