why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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