Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
