oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
