k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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