yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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