I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
