just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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