I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
