it's too hot outside to masturbate.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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