Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize