I can text with my tongue
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
tell me about the fingering
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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