this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
