I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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