i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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