I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
