I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
