Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Panties = found
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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