Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
